Deirdre is here again - but with a dangerous plan?!

Hello Lazibirrd just me again - I have read your reply but not really sure you have understood me. Perhaps it's the culture shock going on for you? I know how they do things in France - sounds very hypocritical to me - but here in Hampshire we are a bit more respectable. The WHOLE POINT is to be a wife you see - being a mistress is fun but not a good long term plan. And anyway I want to be Mrs P and be dripping with diamonds and taken out in public, that's not too much to ask surely? If wifey has taken her eye off the balls so to speak then I'd be mad not to seize the chance, wouldn't I? Perhaps I should befriend her instead and drop hints? Deidre

Lazybird replies: Deirdre, I thank you for your message. You know it arrives the same time that I saw this - a story of four women in America who were so angry with a cheating man that they arranged to have their revenge very creatively. One of the lovers met him in a hotel and then the wife and other lovers came to the hotel and glued his penis to his stomach! And you know I thought of your troubles! If you tell the wife, maybe she will do this to your Mr P (oh what a perfect name for this tale isn't it?) and then, what good will he be to you then? You could have his diamonds but no longer his leek. Does this translate? In France a leek - le poireau - is also a word for a penis you see. I don't know why. Green is a strange couleur for this isn't it? Lzb

More secrets!?

I have just met a wonderful man completely by chance and we both seem to be very keen on each other. However, although there are all the right signs for a blooming relationship, I leave the country for a year come mid September. He is aware of this because I have mentioned it in passing but should I bring it up and put a sell by date on what we have at the moment? Or live innocently until then? From: Badly timed Brenda

Well darling Brenda,

Firstly, this is great that you have a wonderful man - and completely by chance! I love it when these things happen like magic. So this is good. Of course what is not as good is that you are going away. I have thought about this. In my experience men don't remember you so well when they don't see you regularly. They are like dogs in this regard. The leader of the pack is only the leader when they are present. The moment you go away, they need somebody else to tell them what to think, and eat, and do with their life. And of course to make love to them. So the next woman who has these capabilities will have this man. I'm sorry. However if the man is riche and can come to see you in your new place often, so that you can still remind him what to do with his life before, after, and sometimes during lovemaking, then this is another result. And so darling, really I say you have three chooses. The first is that you tell him you are going, ask him if he is riche, and if he wants to visit you. This way you can continue the liaison and perhaps have a bigger apartment? The second is that you tell him you are going and that these moments are all that matters. This way you will have wonderful, desperate, passionate lovemaking and I hope beautiful gifts of affection, and you will each cry when you go and it will be like a beautiful filme. And the third, which is my prefered action in these events, is to say nothing - and then suddenly vanish! Yes! They never forget you then! And that is so good for the soul!!

Which do you prefer? Lzb

Mistress troubles

Dear Lazibirrd (little tip - your name spelt this way is so much more now isn't it?), I have met the most wonderful man - gorgeous, charming, rich, clever - I am so happy!! Just one teeny weeny problemette Lazibirrd - he is married. I just know you will have an opinion on this for me - well you are French aren't you, and every one knows the French are opinionated - oh no offence meant Lazibirrd! And anyway, French women are well known for having affairs with anyone as long as they are rich, so I just know you'll understand! Still, I'd better not tell you his name just in case you run off with him!! (Just kidding Lazibirrd)Anyway Mr P as I'll call him is just perfect for me, but what to do about the wife? Apparently she has really let herself go - although they have been married for over a year now so perhaps she thinks she is safe with that huge diamond on her finger. She's boring and whines on all the time - really Mr P is a saint to put up with her! My question Ladibirrd: do I write her just a little note revealing his true feelings for moi? (See what I did there Ladibirrd, trying to make you feel at ease!) Am breathless with anticipation at your reply!!! Deidre

Bonjour Deidre,

Okay, Yes this is a probleme. Wait, I must get some wine.

That's better. Alors. The BIG probleme that you have is that you forgot you are the maitresse of this man. Here in Paris, the mistress doesn't want to marry him, or live with him. She wants his money and his part-time attentions. For the man the mistress is someone who spoils him and who remains thin and fine when the wife is busy with childrens. It's a complicite - the wife has what she wants, a riche house and her bebes, so the man he gets his toys, and this includes you perhaps? Generally, and of course people can be different I suppose, when the man takes a mistress he has his cake. He has the wife and children in one house and then he has another woman who is young, tight (the body, yes? flat stomache, things like this), in another place. He sees the mistress in different bars than his wife - they should never meet each other - when he goes out with the mistress he goes out with his friends and their mistresses. When he goes out with his wife then he goes out with his friends and their wives. Here in France we have the cinq a sept - the hours when a man can be 'late home from work' with no questions from his wife. It's all very well organised. But you can't cross from one to the other - it breaks the regime. We don't admit to these arrangements, they just happen. A mistress, marrying the lover and then joining the wives?! Oh darling, it's not possible!Take this charmer for all that you can - cars, jewellery, a wine cellar. Did he buy you an apartment yet - perhaps you need to work harder until you achieve this. After that, change the keys, and you can bring home all other younger men and enjoy your wine cellar laughing all night at the thoughts that your old lover is an idiot with a fat wife. Alternatively, you may actually want to be a married woman... in which case I have a great friend, Berty. He's bald you know but is so gentle with his guinea pig. Maybe you can meet? Lzb

Hurray for Online!

Lzb writes: Online, this is great news that you have found the money to buy a new prescription to the internet dating company. How did you do this? I used to find ways to make money in the evenings too but I wonder if it was a different activity.

And so, you are on the road to discovery with this man and that is exciting. But I wonder whether you prefer a bebe or a lover? Squeezing his cheeks is not such a powerful ambition for a relationship between adults. Perhaps you can take this man to the park and play on the swings and have lollipops. Then in the evening you will be free to find another man who makes you want to do other things to other parts of his body instead.

Lzb

Online Dating Virgin - Results!

Hi Lazybird, sorry about the corkscrew. I wanted to let you know that I've signed up to the dating website and have started engaging in online banter with the monkey man - and have had some of the most pleasant conversations. Thank you for your help! I just hope he’s not a freak cos I'd quite like to meet him and squeeze his little cheeks! However currently sussing the man out for any alarming habits / behaviour!! Mwah. Online Dating Virgin xxx

Online Dating - Good idee?

"Can you help me? What appears to be a cute and interesting man started messaging me on a dating website. Due to my lack of financial awareness, this month's salary is all gone and I've no money to re-subscribe. The man has a monkey on his head and this appeals to me. But I digress…. He keeps emailing and I send back my allowed one-liners ‘I want to know more’, ‘I don’t know if you are worth subscribing for’ blah blah. He continues to email which I do enjoy. I get to know all about him, he knows nothing about me… the mysteriousness I likey. But… apparently he has been trying to find me on MyFace / Spacebook and google. This did raise alarm bells… however being a woman, I would have done the same had I have known his surname, name, address, pets name…. Is he a stalker type, is he charming ladies all over t’internet? Will he be a FREAK? Please help me Lazybird in my quest to understand the online dating world. And should I subscribe or is it all a waste of time?" Online Dating Virgin

Oh darling Online!

I'm so excited for you. But do you want them with a little bit of freakiness - otherwise they are too boring? I have a friend who is a musician. He's short with no hairs but he is so kind to his guinea pig. If you want I can introduce you... Anyway, first things - you must arrange your money! It's too bad if money stops the road to love. That is really your first task. Secondly, monkey on his head? That seems fun. I like this - as long as they can separate when it comes to love. Yes, probably he is charming other girls. If you feel jealous, then just charm other men. Really you can't decide he is something special already? Have a drink and see how cute the barman is too! And so many other men on the dating internet! Be careful of giving your personal details until you know that the man and the monkey are great companions, but otherwise don't rush. Slowly slowly catchy man-with-monkey (and so many others on the way)! Now I will ask everyone for their thoughts too, okay? Lzb